gRand PrizE + ConSoLAtion + LosER

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Losing + Gain + Crazy

Do you know how it feel to be alone?

i do. and i hate it when i'm alone. this awful feeling inside me kept telling me the bad thouhgt that i've been feel now. everytime i thing about me and my love life .and my experienced when i was in KL

i'm confused

and
i've kept asking myself many thing about

AM I READY FOR LOVE?

The answer:

I don't know

and the sad thing is, i hate those feeling that telling me that i'm not ready for love. sometime my senses come and i realize that maybe the only thing that bother me a lot is me being alone. plus i had so many thing going on in my mind. my thesis, my obligation towards my family... giving me a huge headache.

luckily, next semester. i can live with my eldest sister along in kulai that much closest to UTM.i'm just not ready to give up my social life yet...there still many thing to explore outside.my sex life is just the beginning, and i know....but i made a promise to myself that i only start to fall in love when i already have a job and when i am 25 yrs old.

it's raining outside. and last night there's an awful smell. GOD i can't stand it.there's nothing i can do here in my hometown. my social life like dead here. i miss sex so much. i don't know...

maybe i am,

maybe i can start looking for job. locating some place to work. something like that.so when i grad or finished my study. i just got job.

i felt so awkward whem my mouth kept whispering "i missed my friend"since i have no real friend now. i don't know...maybe i am missed them so much.

Tuesday, december 25 2007

my determination about leaving the house is coming back again. it never lost in my mind, it just keep fading in time. but today, i just realize that what i really need right now is gone from these family. this family always make my nerves on. people always misunderstand with my cry.

i cry because i hate....i never regret for what i did. i never did wrong. when i do. i will always make sure it right. of coz not everything is right. but when i doing some work. and other people kept telling me to do the work that i've been doing. MAN!!!! i will piss of.let me finish my work then u can say anything i said. next week, new semester will start. i dont know how am i gonna survive in that situation. where i'm gonna live. where i'm gonna stay.

when night come, everybody just tired. but for me. cleaning is my way to show my anger. maybe some people would notice. but my family doesn't.

i miss my friend. and my social life. chasing and everything. i need job really badly.

Friday, january 4 2008

a person that called himself a man come forth to me and said "i love you" and "i miss you". how should i react. i fully determine that i am fully dedicate myself just being friend.i start to like him but i couldn't. i want us just being friend but he kept being nice to me ever since. i dont want to felt that i owe him something if something bad is happening. i am not good at long term relation.

sunday, january 13th 2008

Braveheart ~ piano chored

today, me and sayang had a lot to talk. and it's good to talk about something you really care. unfortunately, me and him didn't put any closure to this problem. i know that he love. but for how much i don't know. today also we syncronised our theme song. actually our ring tone song. hahaha...he seem to like kinda music i like. from a group mocca. song i don't know the title but track number 12. hahaha....i think the group the last song the best. well...the music kinda catchy at first...i listen to it right now. i definitely gonna learn to sing this song a sang with him. hehehe....

tomorrow..i hate monday. my life kinda mess lately...but i have to put an end to it.yes i will....may god bless me

thursday, february 7th 2008

The Crowd Embrace ~ OST Perfume: A story of a murderer

i experienced a great love that i never realized that it would be great. but somehow that it feels so wrong. i do remember that i once used to put myself in this situation. i will never cry for a man and never cry for any love feeling. me and En Aziz end up so clearly after he bored with me. actually i'm the one who ask for the break up. because i met someone that i thought that would love me forever. En Taufic, one man that love me. he love me so much... i realize that. so am i to him. yesterday i went to En Aziz's house and we sleep. i don't want any sex. but it just happened. sort of... but it happened. i told him about En Taufic. he very pleased that i met somebody. but in his eyes i know that he still love me.

and yet, i should not meet him just to tell how sorry i am to break up with En Taufic. asking an opinion from your ex's. i should think more clearly in future. for me, thing that going on with En Taufic is finally have a closure. i ask for the break up. and as usual he blame me for everything. he never take a single blame for anything happened. when i am in wrong...he blame me. when he's in wrong..he also blame me. what the hack....that was one person that i knew.

and that person is En Taufic. my heart is closed for any man right now. En Aziz put a fullstop after dating me. so does En Taufic...i don't know. but it always happened like this. when i end up a relationship with someone. that was his final relationship. it's like...me in his life awakened something that been inside them and i feel somehow bad. don't even give me a second chance.

En Taufic kept calling me..sms me..how in the world i'm gonna forget about him. i think..i am not gonna answer his call or SMS untill he said "i am so sorry". i don't know why...but deep inside me...i think..he owe me an apology.

one thing that i realize for myself about myself is... i am not fit to be someone lover or in other word... i am not ready to fall in love. a CURSE that i put to myself. it hit me back really deep. DAMN!!!!!

for the record...i think i might like my roommate. that crazy... he's like my brother. i tidy up his place. his bed...i think he's realizing that. and he owe me a thank. *wink

for now... i am gonna make myself ready for future and study really hard. and i'm gonna work very hard. so i can pull everything up and make myself ready and rich and confident and i want to create a place that no one will able to order me to do anything. and in my world..i am the king and i am the ruler,

thank you...

why my tears suddenly appear. like something was missing in my heart. what is that...it happpened so quick.. don't even give me chances to breath or to look around and have a thought. time...

friday, february 8th 2008

ketulusan hati ~ anuar zain

today..what happen to me today. i can't remember. but for sure... i got a call from En Taufic at 2 p.m. it kinda suorise actually got a called from him. as usuall he blame me for everything. and i just say yes to everything he said and hopefully he can say something nice to me. i don't care actually. maybe i am just too lonely till my part in mylife felt so empty and need a MAN to persuade myself and say to me that "everything gonna be okay"

unfortunaly, what happened is... he just said the bad thing about me. that i'm being selfish...i don't really care right now. my life is so full right now. i have roommate that care about me. hopefully. and i just knew that my roommate is a former taek won do martial artist. well...he show me a picture when he entered the tournoment in SUKAM. i'm impressed... that's why he got very HOT body...hahaha...my bad.

GYMNOPEDIES ~ piano chored

he kept playing a game ...first i shooter game. DAMN!!! i hate that game. make me more nervous when an enemy come from behind and shoot you. for real... and i heard that he had an accident back there when he was driving with his 4 freind going to ...i don't know. but the point is...u shouldn't drive when u felt so asleep. or in other word "Don't Sleep and Drive"

HOT BODY huh?

he has that...i always tidy his bed. and he's notice.. huhuhuhu... i have no other motive. like interior motive. but the point is..i don't like my roommate to be a messy person. i want the room to be clean and tidy. so as my place. and there's one of his friend so annoying that always bugging me around. but not as annoying as JOE.. OMG ..jOE is like pain in the ASS. i just don't get him. the fact that i knew him better than anyone else makes him think he's right about everything. when he's around.. i just get out from the room and i just hate him so M U C H. but that semporna guy that i did mention earlier... i did right? he's so annoying too...but... he's too charming to be hated to. hahahaha.... the fact that he's so annoying + have a sweet talk to me + always praise me in other angle of life. make him kinda reliabale to give me sort of advise. hahahaha... nak dengar nasihat pun memilih gak. what a person i am..right??

huhuhu but in the end..he's charming...

about my ex-bf ... i kept contact with En Aziz..we're both is STILL friend. with En Taufic..thing kinda dificult..but i don't really care about him rigt now. i have a life.. i don't need such person like him. so like pain in a neck. my money right now is sufficient enough for me to buy a food. but i need to be more like a super saver dude. coz my parent kinda stingy..hahaha,, but the fact that i always buy thing that shouldn't be bought and the money just disappear. i kinda don't know to what i spent the money to. hahahaha....

ok..that's for now. i meet a new friend. his name is ismail. huhuhuhu... he's cool.. i hope so. i met THE HOT guy at meranti Arcade. wearing short plus the hair...so super cool. i think he's mixed with chinese. that's make him super cool. yeah...FLAWLESS.

Something Worth Living for ~ shane ward

tomorrow..i will spent my whole day in PSZ. i have tons of thing to do actually. i'm gonna make an appointment with Dr Md Nor Mohammad. but i don't have that courage to do so. what's wrong with me...ARGH..!!!! i need someone to tell me so. i am so dependent. but i am...

that's for now...yeehaw!!!

Sunday, 10th february 2008

this evening i don't exactly knew what type of music that i tune into. because my room-mate kept singing this stupid song and i kinda happy and terhibur for that cause. he kept changing the music. so my mood kinda jumpy right now. right now i'm listening to "pencinta wanita". the soooo not my theme song. oh my god, and he like singing all the way through and that suck and kinda romantic. *erk... i coudn't believe that i said that. at least i thinking of it.

last night, i make a homework on calculus variation.and the thing that kept bugging my mind is that my friend roommate's kept coming. last time he's coming he ask me for me to rub his sore feet. and he kept asking me if i am intend to do special massage for him. *GAY!!!!

not in this world or next world or...like forever...HELL NO. this person is that i was talked earlier that kinda sweet talk guy. huhuhuhuh.....

rasa2xnya dia nak invite me for sex kot. tapi dia malu. well...felt ashame for doing a sin is a good thing. i will keep my pace to avoid any stupid behavior and bad consequences that might occur. just now. i watched "50 first dates" on TV. it was an oustanding movie that i ever watched. tonight..i'll be watching "bullet proof monk".. another awesome movie that people must watched. chinese new year always bring the best to the table. wow!!

i might continue this typing tonight coz right now i'm gonna play "Max Paine" game. the game that i most hate.. the "first eye shoooter" hahaha...seram lak...till maghrib kot. waduh..asar tak solat lagi!!!!

unfortunately, the game was uninstall from his desktop. hmmm.... motif!!!! well... i got green light to re-install the game to his PC. that's a good thing from him. tolerence! one of his good quality. i kinda fall in love to him. duh!!!

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK

today i installed a game called "prince of persian" it takes me an hour for me to install. and play about 5 minutes and un-install about 2 minutes. what an amazing satisfaction i got there. Argh...!!!

but i have to prepare for tomorrow test. calculus of variation. it kinda freaky and scary and i am so not ready. i don't know this subject so much. but at least i did knew what i am doing lately. it start making some sense. duh!!!

this night, the boys watched football. it's actually euro football. LIVERPOOL versus barcelona. i was betting on liverpool gonna lose this time. it's not like i am a big fan of barcelona or something. i just being a psycho voting for something against my roommate's favourite.

hahahaha.... if his team lose. it's gonna be a big smile on my face.

huhuhuhu....

well... better of to study. i think my life has began it senses. not like for a past few month. with boyfriend...it just not my time yet. GOD!!!!

gymnopedies ~ piano chored

my feveret past time music selection. bring calmness to my mind, ears, and brain too.